Ah, the Irish !!

Off-Topic Off Topic
#1

Subject: Ireland vs. France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

‘Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!’ a heavily accented voice said. ‘This is Paddy down
at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland. I am ringing to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!’

‘Well, Paddy,’ Sarkozy replied, ‘This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?’

‘Right now,’ says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, ‘there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!’ Sarkozy paused. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.’

‘Begora!’ says Paddy. ‘I’ll have to ring you back.’

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. ‘Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!’

‘And what equipment would that be Paddy?’ Sarkozy asks.

‘Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.’
Sarkozy sighs, amused. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.’

‘Saints preserve us!’ says Paddy. ‘I’ll have to get back to you.’

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. ‘Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!’

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. ‘I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!’
‘Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!’ says Paddy, ‘I will have to ring you back.’

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. ‘Top o’ the mornin’, Mr.
Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.’

‘Really? I am sorry to hear that,’ says Sarkozy. ‘Why the sudden change
of heart?’

‘Well,’ says Paddy, ‘we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.’

#2

Speaking of the Irish.

Have been riveted to the BBC series ‘Mistresses’. Not because of all the OTT bad girl behaviour - which is rather good - but because of the intense performance of a certain 47 year old Irish actress named Orla Brady.
The chaps at my work place watch it for the same reasons. When I ask… “What about Orla Brady?”… the usual response is “Is she the Irish one?”…or “Is she the one that plays Siobhan?”…“To die for!”…

She has a smouldering sex appeal which is emphasised by her character portrayal of the tortured soul which is Siobhan.

http://www.orlabrady.org/index.htm

http://www.bbc.co.uk/mistresses/

and in the US
http://www.bbcamerica.com/content/349/index.jsp

Also, recently discovered the American-Irish star Moira Kelly. Not quite Orla, but has some of her qualities.
http://www.moirakelly.net/pictures/chaplin/Old4.JPG

#3

Speaking of Ireland V France, check out the Grand Slam clip- their first Grrand Slam for sixty-one years.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uU-kQMbaAqM

For those who are unfamiliar with Rugger, it might be worth pointing out that hand passes can only be played backwards - the ball can be played forward by kicking or by runnign with it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5H4t1kDG1Mg&feature=related

#4

Smokin’ !!

#5

Ahhhh…what the heck?..here’s some more:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsxQDMrUy6Q&feature=related

#6

Obviously where I’ve been going wrong.

I’ve been treating my woman like an aircraft, by trying to get her to put her flaps down before I land. :smiley:

#7

Must be the Oirish in you? :frowning: :lol:

#8

Joseph and Mary had been married for nine months and Mary was due to give birth. They lived on a remote farm in the county of Cork. Late one night, Mary was in the stable tending to the donkey when her waters broke and she immediately went into labour. hearing her cries, joseph came running through the rain to see what was the matter.

Upon discovering Mary’s condition, and unable to move her, Joseph took off to fetch the Parish Priest, Father Cassidy, who just so happened to their nearest neighbour.
As they arrived back at the barn, Mary was struggling to push out her baby.

“Quickly” said Father Cassidy “hold the lamp close, Joseph!”
Joseph did as he was bid and Mary gave birth

“What a delightful baby boy, Mary…Joseph, you must be very proud”

Joseph “Yes, Father, I am”

Mary began to convulse

“Hold the lamp closer, Joseph”

Mary pushed and gave birth to another child

“What a gorgeous baby-girl, Joseph…Mary has done you proud”

Joseph “She has indeed, Father, she has indeed”

Mary cried out in pain and once more began to push

“Quickly, Joseph, the lamp…hold it close now”

Joseph grabbed for the lamp

“My oh my, Joseph another baby-boy. Mary has produced a ready made family for you…a true gift from God”

Joseph “Yes, Father, we are truly blessed”

Yet again, Mary begins to cry out and convulse with delivery pains

Father Cassidy “Joseph, quickly now, hold the lamp closer”

Joseph “Do you think they could be attacted to the light Father?”

#9

Ireland Down-Under

The incredible Brian O’Driscal - Ireland, and British and Irish Lions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMSn2hwC7Mg&feature=related

Sorry, couldn’t resist showing this fella off

The untouchable Jason Robinson - England, and British and Irish Lions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDdr1T5diMM

#10

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.

“She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the Irishman.

An Irish alibi is the proof that you were in two places at the one time.

Paddy claims that his wife is the only person in the world that parks her car by ear!

Paddy met a girl who was one of twins.
‘Hello der, now tell me, is it you or your sister? Shure each of you looks so like both of you that I can’t tell looking at you whether it’s you or the other one.’

Paddy and Mick were nailing up the side of a wooden house.
Mick noticed that Paddy was examining the nails and throwing away every second and third.
‘What’s wrong with the nails?’ he asked.
‘Sure the heads are at the wrong end.’
'You are stupid you eejit, can’t you see they are for the other side of the house!.

An Irishman was walking through the cemetery when he came upon a headstone inscribed: ‘Here lies a politician and an honest man.’
‘Boys -a-dear,’ he said, ‘I wonder how they got the two of them in the one grave?’

An Irishman was in the dock for drunkenness.
‘Were you drunk?’ asked the judge,
‘Drunk as a judge’ replied Paddy
The judge being annoyed at this said ‘You mean as drunk as a Lord?’
‘Yes my lord’ replied Paddy.

A Ballymena man went to a fancy-dress ball dressed as Napoleon so that he could keep his hand on his wallet.

Two Strabane men had been shipwrecked on an iceberg for six months in 1912 when one turned to the other.
‘We’re saved,’ he said. ‘Here comes the Titanic!’

In life, there are only two things to worry about,
either you are well, or you are sick.

If you are well, there is nothing to worry about,
but if you are sick, you have two things to worry about;
either you will live, or you will die.

If you live, there is nothing to worry about,
if you die, you have two things to worry about;
either you will go to heaven or to hell.

If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about,
but if you go to hell,
you’ll be so busy shaking hands with your friends,
you won’t have time to worry!

#11

The leprechaun is a solitary creature avoiding contact with mortals and other leprechauns–indeed the whole fairy tribe. He pours all of his passion into the concentration of carefully making shoes. A leprechaun can always be found with a shoe in one hand and a hammer in the other.

Most leprechauns are ugly, stunted creatures, not taller than boys of the age of ten or twelve. But they are broad and bulky, with faces like dried apples. They have a mischievous light in their eyes and their bodies, despite their stubbiness, usually move gracefully.

They possess all the earth’s treasures, but prefer to dress drab. Usually grey or green colored coats, a sturdy pocket-studded apron, and a hat—sometimes green or dusty red colored.

They have been know to be foul-mouthed and they smoke ill-smelling pipes calld ‘dudeens’ and they drink quite a bit of beer from ever handy jugs. But the other fairies endure them because they provide the much needed service of cobblery.

Leprechauns guard the fairies’ treasures. They must prevent it’s theft by mortals. They, alone, remember when the marauding Danes landed in Ireland and where they hid their treasure. Although, they hide the treasures well, the presence of a rainbow alerts mortals to the whereabouts of gold hordes. This causes the leprechauns great anxiety—for no matter how fast he moves his pot of gold, he never can get away from rainbows.

If a mortal catches a leprechaun and sternly demands his treasure, he will give it to the mortal. Rarely does this happen.

Occassionally, especially after a wee too much beer, he will offer a mortal not only a drink but some of his treasure.

Female leprechauns do not exist.

#12

The Blarney Stone
A block of limestone known as the Blarney Stone is Ireland’s lucky charm. Set in a tower of Blarney Castle in County Cork in 1446, the stone is reputed to have magical powers. Legend has it that an old woman cast a spell on a king as a reward for saving her life. Under this spell, if he kissed the stone he’d gain great powers of eloquence. Today people travel from all over the world to kiss the stone and gain the gift of gab.

#13

‘A man who is not afraid of the sea will soon be drownded,’ he said, ‘for he will be going out on a day he shouldn’t. But we do be afraid of the sea and we only do be drownded now and again.’
John Millington Synge
The Aran Islands

#14

I imagine that those men running rather aimlessly around a square field to little purpose excites some people but, meself, I like football. :wink: :smiley:

Like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoupKfWPdB8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ks6NozaHaJk&NR=1

Of course, those videos are the milder version which was introduced with colour television.

This is a personal confession which is just between you and me, but I happen to give lukewarm support to the team in the second video with the vertical black and white stripes, which is widely reviled here as a bunch of thugs by people who fail to appreciate aggressive, sometimes balletic (or ballistic) athleticism. And a bit of biff.

I would appreciate your view as an independent observer on whether my team is continually forced into violent confrontations, sometimes even before the game starts, by other teams which simply refuse to play the game, or whether we are just gentle admirers of butterflies interrupted in our admiration of fluttering beauty on the field by brutes who prefer to chase a ball rather than admire a butterfly.

EDIT: By the way, the first segment in the second video is during the half time break. The game was better. :slight_smile:

#15

Ah, yes. I see what you mean: all of that training and discipline to build a skilled and well coordinated team being brought together by superb leadership and excellent communication to upset the oppositions game-plan and ensure that the better team wins…puts me in mind of Waterloo…or was that the playing fields of Eton…silly me, no, it was the playing fields of Rugby. :lol:

Who are these chaps:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjG60StEFdQ&feature=related

A near run thing: England 17 - Australia 17 with twenty seconds remaining on the clock
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7IPw-1kQ68

It’s a game…we don’t take it seriously!! :lol: :lol:

There’s an Irish folk song been produced after them winning the grand slam, last weeken. It goes something like “We don’t care as long as we beat England…”

I guess they speak for all! :slight_smile:

#16

I seem to recall that in my youth, Australian Rules Football - as we in England know it - was televised on Saturday afternoons. I must admit that as a hot-blooded youth I found it very exciting to watch and it didn’t matter to me which team won as long as there was much bashing about. At the time, I probably had more knowledge of that game than I did of Rugby Union, which was at the time most definitely a middle-class sport played at the right sort of school, and barely ever televised i.e. a minority sport. We had a couple of rugger pitches at my school, but we played Rugby League and I never much took to it ( I was strolling past the playing fields of Epsom College, last week, which is an independent school as they’re known these days. Interesting to note that all of their sports pitches accommodated rugby posts - I guess some things never change :)).

It was later, when I joined the Army, that I was introduced to Rugby Union. As I became more and more aware of the difficulties built into the game by the rules (e.g. passing the ball backwards), I came to appreciate what a fantastic game it is. I’m sure that if I visited the land of Dorothy and Toto, and got settled down with a few beers, I’d absolutely love watching a good game of your football, particulalry if I saw a couple of teams which were good exponents of the game. However, as team games go …win or loose…give me rugger. :slight_smile:

Epsom College check out the video in the link http://www.epsomcollege.org.uk/homepage.php
It amuses me that “…and stuff…” gets in there.
My daughter went to an independent school. I remember her telling me one day how she was admonished by her English teache r for laughing in class. What happened was that the teacher was telling them that they were not to speak “…slang and stuff, and use proper English” It wasn’t a deliberate mistake on the part of the teacher, which was why my daughter was so amused - what is becoming of our language? :slight_smile:

#17

I dunno, but that head-on lift tackle by the Pom was bloody impressive.

#18

They also play some strange kind of football across the pond…this is the only reason I can think of for attending:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9jmLGJgrtw&feature=related

Well, I guess I have t study it more

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3bIqyHlEgw