Military anecdots

Site Issues 2005 Archive Room
#1

:smiley: Topic

  • Major, what I need to do if I step on the mine?
  • Standard procedure, leutenant. Youm must jump above 30 meters and spread on the large territory.

The leutenant and soldiers in front of the transh.

  • Private Ivanov!
  • I, Sir!
  • Left hand to front, left leg to back, jump into transh! Private Petrov!
  • I, Sir!
  • Both hand in front, right leg to side, jump into transh! Private Sidorov!
  • I, Sir!
  • Left leg to front, both hand to side, jump into transh!
    Running the sergeant from HQ
  • Camrade leutenant, the Major is finding you more then hour, and you playing tetris!

Went drunked leutenant. The general in front of him. Leutenant said:

  • May I go between you?
  • Yes, but only one by one…
  1. Leutenant and his little son. Son:
  • Dad I want to see the running elephants!
  • Elephants is tired son, they need a rest.
  • But I want!
  • O.K.! Soldiers! Chemical alarm! All take an antigas masks and two rounds around building!
#2

Mrs. Smith, a teacher called on Johnny to tell a personal story with a moral.

Johnny said, “My Uncle Ted was a Marine pilot during the war in Vietnam, one day his plane got hit by a missile and was going down. Uncle Ted grabbed a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete and bailed out. On the way down he drank the whole case of beer. As luck would have it he landed in a field and was surrounded by 100 Viet cong soldiers. He started shooting his machine gun and killed 70 of them before he ran out of ammunition. Then he grabbed the machete and killed 20 more before the machete blade broke. He then killed the last 10 with his bare hands.”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed Mrs. Smith, “What could the moral of that story possibly be?”

Johnny said, “The moral of that story is… Don’t mess with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking!”

#3

Present time. Frankfurt. Airport. The plane of “Aeroflot” (russian airlines) is landing.
Radio from landing site

  • 052! How are you landing? You interrupted order of landing! You choosed another landing line! WTF! You never flied in Frankfurt before?!
  • Ground, it’s 052. I flied in Frankfurt very often. But that was in 1944, and I wasn’t landing that times… :smiley:
#4

How often did the Soviet Air Force hit Frankfurt? (Not being bitchy, I honestly don’t know.) I originally heard that as a Pam Am a/c

Reportedly heard on Frankfurt Ground Freq:

(In German): “Lufthansa 1234, request start up and taxi instructions”

Frankfurt: “Ask me again in English and and I’ll give you permission.”

1234: “Ground, 1234 is a German aircraft, at a German airport, with a German pilot. Why can’t we speak in German?”

Cue clipped English accent over R/T: “Because you lost the bloody war!” :smiley:

#5

How often did the Soviet Air Force hit Frankfurt? (Not being bitchy, I honestly don’t know.) I originally heard that as a Pam Am a/c

Reportedly heard on Frankfurt Ground Freq:

(In German): “Lufthansa 1234, request start up and taxi instructions”

Frankfurt: “Ask me again in English and and I’ll give you permission.”

1234: “Ground, 1234 is a German aircraft, at a German airport, with a German pilot. Why can’t we speak in German?”

Cue clipped English accent over R/T: “Because you lost the bloody war!” :D[/quote]

…and yet another version :

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, – and I didn’t land.”

#6

From 1952-1960, Bill Slim, or, to give him his Sunday name, FIELD MARSHAL THE VISCOUNT SLIM KG. GCB. GCMG. GCVO. GBE. DSO. MC. was Governor General of Australia, and a very popular one too.
On one occasion, however, returning from a long trip and accompanied by a motorcycle escort, Slim, usually the most affable of men, must have been feeling liverish when the officer in charge of the said escort asked him to inspect his men.
Unfortunately for him, Slim had been observing the escort en route, and hadn’t been impressed with what he saw.
After inspecting the formation Slim turned on the Officer in charge and delivered his verdict.
“At first glance, I assumed your men had been cleaning their motorcycles with their uniforms. However, on examining the motorcycles, I see now that I was wrong!”
:shock:

#7

How often did the Soviet Air Force hit Frankfurt? (Not being bitchy, I honestly don’t know.) I originally heard that as a Pam Am a/c

Reportedly heard on Frankfurt Ground Freq:

(In German): “Lufthansa 1234, request start up and taxi instructions”

Frankfurt: “Ask me again in English and and I’ll give you permission.”

1234: “Ground, 1234 is a German aircraft, at a German airport, with a German pilot. Why can’t we speak in German?”

Cue clipped English accent over R/T: “Because you lost the bloody war!” :D[/quote]

…and yet another version :

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, – and I didn’t land.”[/quote]

haha, nice one. :smiley:

#8

British air traffic controllers in Frankfurt?

#9

[quote=“IRONMAN”]

British air traffic controllers in Frankfurt?[/quote]

I’ve heard that anecdote before - apparently the clipped English accent was a BA plane taxiing at the time. It’s probably apochraphal though.

#10

How often did the Soviet Air Force hit Frankfurt? (Not being bitchy, I honestly don’t know.) I originally heard that as a Pam Am a/c

Reportedly heard on Frankfurt Ground Freq:

(In German): “Lufthansa 1234, request start up and taxi instructions”

Frankfurt: “Ask me again in English and and I’ll give you permission.”

1234: “Ground, 1234 is a German aircraft, at a German airport, with a German pilot. Why can’t we speak in German?”

Cue clipped English accent over R/T: “Because you lost the bloody war!” :D[/quote]

Don´t want to spoil the fun, but Lufthansa uses English, even during headset communications between German mechanics and German pilots. also all check lists and maintenance documents are in English language. (I´ve done my apprenticeship with Lufthansa).

Jan

#11

[quote=“IRONMAN”]

British air traffic controllers in Frankfurt?[/quote]

How often did the Soviet Air Force hit Frankfurt? (Not being bitchy, I honestly don’t know.) I originally heard that as a Pam Am a/c

Reportedly heard on Frankfurt Ground Freq:

(In German): “Lufthansa 1234, request start up and taxi instructions”

Frankfurt: “Ask me again in English and and I’ll give you permission.”

1234: “Ground, 1234 is a German aircraft, at a German airport, with a German pilot. Why can’t we speak in German?”

Cue clipped English accent over R/T: “Because you lost the bloody war!” :D[/quote]

Don´t want to spoil the fun, but Lufthansa uses English, even during headset communications between German mechanics and German pilots. also all check lists and maintenance documents are in English language. (I´ve done my apprenticeship with Lufthansa).

Jan[/quote]

Jan, will you please STOP bringing facts into the discussion !

It confuses certain members & makes it difficult for them to invent new words !