Military Refreshment :D

Off-Topic Off Topic - Militaria
#1

Lets have jokes on military,hope this not offended anyone as mostly jokes were created against each other as for the fun shakes. But if it s too much, perhaps mods can help to straight it up :smiley:

lets start it with me

Lightbulb Jokes

Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.
Note: topical to the Falkland Islands war.

Q: how many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: YOU DON’T KNOW! YOU WEREN’T THERE, MAN!!! YOU’LL NEVER KNOW!!!

Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.

Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .

Q: How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.

Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please

#2

Things to Remember During a War

  1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.

  2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

  3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.

  4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.

  5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

  6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.

  7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.

  8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.

  9. You are not Tom Cruise.

  10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.

  11. If you aren’t sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.

  12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.

  13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.

  14. Smart bombs have bad days too.

  15. The best defense is to stay out of range.

  16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat

#3

During WW2 in one of Germans school, a teacher asked one of his students;

teacher: Hans, please show me the borders of Germany.

Hans: Herr Lehrer, I haven’t read todays newspapers yet

The 2 following German ones are more ironic sayings than jokes. Both from late in the war.

One of our tanks is worth 10 American or British ones. Unfortunately they always have 11.

If you see a silver plane, it’s American. If you see a black plane, it’s British. If you don’t see a plane, it’s

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone,
told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
“Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message.
In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.”

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,
he asked, “What do you want?”

“Nothing important, sir,” the airman replied, “I’m just here to hook up your telephone.”

This was a common joke that circulated during WWII among German Officers about the Italians, due to their poor performance in the African theatre. Translated it goes something like this:
(News broadcast): “This morning an Italian division encountered an enemy bicycle in Tripoli. There was an immediate engagement, and the Italians managed to capture the rear wheel and the seat. There is still heavy fighting over the steering column and the front wheel, but the situation looks rather bleak for the Italians. More on this later.”

Q: What do you do if an italian throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

#4

Russian army joke-

Who likes music? - asks a commander.

  • Two soldiers step forward.
  • All right. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor.

Soldier Ivanov was ordered to peel a barrel of potatos.

  • In this day and age, the army should have a machine to peel potatos, complains ivanov.
  • Absolutely, answered the sergeant. And you are its latest model

A guy comes to the military enlistment office.
He is asked:
“What would you like to be?”
He responds:
“A pilot.”
So they decide to help the guy and send him to study flying, But he fails. And he comes tothe military enlistment office again:
“Sorry, but you cant be a pilot any more. Select another variant." The guy thinks and speaks: "So I want to be in the air defence(AD)." "Why AD?" "If I cant fly, nobody will fly!”

A general calls a colonel:

  • Do you have a couple of smart majors?
  • Yes I do.
  • Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around.
#5

Comments about the Canadian Military.

From A Soviet Document: “One of the serious problems in planning against Canadian doctrine is that the Canadians do not read their manuals nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine.”

A German General Officer: “The reason that the Canadian Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the Canadian Army practices chaos on a daily basis.”

Anonymous 1st Canadian Division Staff Officer: “If we don’t know what we are doing, the enemy certainly can’t anticipate our future actions!”

1917, England, a lone pommie sentry walking his post in the rain, hears troops approaching “Halt, who goes there?”
The answer comes back out of the rain “the Guards”.
“Pass the guards”.
30 minutes later another body of troops comes along, “Halt, who goes there” calls the sentry.
“The Buffs”.
“Pass the buffs”.
15 minutes later a mob of troops staggers out of the dark, “Halt who goes there”.
“NONE OF YER GODDAMN BUSINESS”.
“Pass Canadians”.

#6

Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.

“Who vas zat!?” shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.

“I see,” he said, “I vill haff 10 of you shot. Und maybe zen you vill tell me who schneezed, ja?” A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.

“I vill ask again,” yelled Hitler, “who schneezed?” Again, nobody said anything.

“Very vell,” he said, “I vill haff anosser 10 of you shot!” The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them.

“For ze very last time,” screamed Hitler, “who schneezed?”

Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said, “It vas me, my Führer. I am ze vun who schneezed.”

Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said, “Gesundheit.”

#7

Luftwaffe

This rather an ironic statement regarding German Luftwaffe on the 1944;
starting march of 1944, German fighters were ordered to avoid any confrontation with allied fighters at all cost, Kommodore of JG6 remarked;
“the safest flying that ever possible was, in an allied fighter plane over Germany”

during battle of britain, Bf109 has to escort the escort fighters, Bf110

#8

Chinese learned this
Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from US and stole technology from US plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.

Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining US Spy Plane

  1. American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin

  2. On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker

  3. According to plaque, “When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says”

  4. Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles

  5. Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”

  6. “Cloaking device” button only there because pilot’s a “Star Trek” fan

  7. Maybe not the best idea to write “Spy plane” on wings

  8. The plane’s sole security feature: an angry kitty

  9. Plane is so high-tech lavatories feature futuristic blue water!

  10. Americans smell like Doritos and Aqua Velva

#9

Military Truisms
• “Aim towards the Enemy.” [Instruction printed on US rocket launcher]
• When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend. [From a US Field Manual]
• Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
• Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
• Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.
• If your attack is going too well, you are walking into an ambush.
• If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn’t plan your mission properly.
• Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
• Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
• If the enemy is in range, so are you.
• Tracers work both ways.
• Friendly fire isn’t.
• Five second fuses only last three seconds.
• Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
• The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
• If you can see the enemy, he can see you.
• And never tell your Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do

#10

Friendly fire - isn’t.
Recoilless rifles - aren’t.
Suppressive fires - won’t.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature’s way of telling you to slow down.
If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don’t succeed, call in an air strike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it’s an ambush.
The enemy diversion you’re ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: When they’re ready. When you’re not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
Don’t look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
If the enemy is within range, so are you.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Things which must be shipped together as a set aren’t.
Things that must work together can’t be carried to the field that way.
Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won’t be able to get out.
Tracers work both ways.
If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
When both sides are convinced they’re about to lose, they’re both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
Fortify your front; you’ll get your rear shot up.
Weather isn’t neutral.
If you can’t remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it’ll go.
The Cavalry doesn’t always come to the rescue.
Napalm is an area support weapon.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
Sniper’s motto: reach out and touch someone.
Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Interchangeable parts aren’t.
It’s not the one with your name on it; it’s the one addressed “to whom it may concern” you’ve got to think about.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel’s HQ.
The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
A clean (and dry) set of BDU’s is a magnet for mud and rain.
The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can’t hit the broad side of a barn.
The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon’s operator.
Field experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
No good deed goes unpunished.
Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don’t know what they want, but they know for certain what they don’t want.
To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
Murphy was a grunt.
Beer Math → 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
Body count Math → 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
All-weather close air support doesn’t work in bad weather.
The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
The crucial round is a dud.
Every command which can be misunderstood , will be.
There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.
If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won’t walk into it.
If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
Walking point = sniper bait.
Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.

Marine Corps Rules:

  1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
  2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
  3. Have a plan.
  4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won’t work.
  5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet * even your friends…
  6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a “4.”
  7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
  8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
  9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
  10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
  11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
  12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
  13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEAL’s Rules:

  1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
  2. Kill every living thing within view.
  3. Adjust speedo.
  4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:

  1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
  2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
  3. Request permission via radio from “Higher” to perform killing.
  4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
  5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

  1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
  2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
  3. Curse bitterly.
  4. Curse bitterly.
  5. Do not listen to 2nd LT’s; it can get you killed.
  6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:

  1. Have a cocktail.
  2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
  3. See what’s on HBO.
  4. Ask “what is a gunfight?”
  5. Request more funding from Congress with a “killer” Power Point presentation.
  6. Wine & dine ‘key’ Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
  7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
  8. Declare the assets “strategic” and never deploy them operationally.
  9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
  10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:

  1. Go to Sea.
  2. Drink Coffee.
  3. Deploy Marines