post any jokes you know in here please:
A british want to express his support to tony blair, he decide to kiss at tonly blair’s picture non-stop for eight hours at 200 times per minute.
Huh? :? :?
If we had wanted to show our respect to tony blair we would skiff him. This kissing of photos malarkey is far too “old skool”
Huh? :? :?[/quote]
Nope, got me beat too.
I think it’s lost something in the translation…
That was the problem with winning the war! none of us speak German and an entire nation of comedians has been wasted. Oh well what a compromise. :?
Not exactly funny, just stupid. :?
The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.” “Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.” “Not so fast, McGrath!”
Some Military Jokes:
The story of Uncle Bob
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess”
“And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”
“Very good,” said the teacher. “Now, Lucy?”
“Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.”
“That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?”
“Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
“Don’t f*ck with Uncle Bob when he’s been drinking.”
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”
The tower responded, “Who is calling?”
The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to “Happy Hour.”
So you thought that cops had no sense of humor— The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the US
-
“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
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“Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
-
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
-
“Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.”
-
“So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?” “Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh … did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
-
“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do That again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
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“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
-
“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
-
“In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”
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“Just how big were those two beers?”
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“No sir we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
-
“I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.”
-
"You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t… Sign here
One of my fav. jokes
"Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.
The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”
The second one replied, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”
I like it :lol:
Okay, later i’ll try translate in english my favorite joke.
Not exactly funny, just stupid. :?[/quote]
Just goes to show- THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A GERMAN COMEDIAN
Most famous German joke ever- Take my wife, I command you!
Night. Barracs.
One soldier, who sleeps at upper bed (do you know those two-level army beds ?) start screaming in asleep: Oh, holy crow, turn your finger, turn ! Turn it, bastard, oh, no, no, TUUUUURRRRNN !!! then fall down from he’s upper bed to barrak’s floor…
He’s nighbor from lower bed awaked by noise and asked that falled soldier -
-What’s up, man ? Got nightmare ?"
- Oh, bro, terrific nightmare, never hawe seen such terrible dream… In dream i found myself as a tourist in damned montains, looks like somewhere in The Himalayas, all things doing good, i just walk around and make a shot with my camera.
But i saw some cavern and immidiately from this cavern went out big ugly hairish Yety… that damned Big Fott…looks like big brother of our drill-sergent, ditto ugly but more hairish.
I just can’t ran, so that Yety grab me up in one hand and by other hand stripped out my trousers. Afterward that ugly creature stick in to my ass he’s finger and hang me up on this finger over fathomless pit… and after time i can feel - i starting slide off…
… haha
lol
- Hello ? Is it 911 ? Can you send to my home firemans ?
- Yes, is it 911, stay cool, plase, whats happend ?
- Oh, in my home paramedics already fight with policeman - and i just don’t know whom else i should call for help me…
Warnings issued by the U.S. military to their own troops:
“Aim towards the enemy.”
Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher.
“When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend.”
US Marine Corps.
“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.”
USAF Ammo Troop.
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
Infantry Journal.
“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what is left of your unit.”
Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.
“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
U.S. Air Force Manual.
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
Infantry Journal.
“Tracers work both ways.”
US Army Ordnance.
“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.”
Infantry Journal.
“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.”
Anon.
“Do not draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
Your comrades.
“If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.”
USAF Ammo Troop.
[quote=“FW-190 Pilot”]post any jokes you know in here please:
Monty Python had a WWII skit involving a lethal joke unleashed
on the Germans by the British in the Ardennes. No one who heard
the joke could survive-they all died laughing. The joke went:
Hitler: “My dog has no nose!”
Goebbels: “How does he smell?”
Hitler: “Awful!”
Same situations… cannibals, captured people…
But those cannibals got differ problem…
Okay, people, if you pass trial - you’ll be alive and free, if not - you’ll be our meat-loaf… - cannibal’s king sayd - You need do something with dragon, that live near in cave… that dragon got depression and weeping and mumbling round-a-clock, so my people can’t fall asleep… That my great pain-in-ass… You need make laugh that dragon somehow, make he’s mood better…
- Okay, i’ll try - sayd one corpulent man, - I’ll try…
- You have only one single try. а you’ll fall it - all peoples will be our three-course dinner…
- Okay, okay… i’m sure…
So, that shorty went in cave and after few moment weeping dragon burst of laugh…
All people with this shorty was set free, and after time rescued somewhere in jungle.
After half-year shorty meet cannibals-king right in shorty’s appartment elevator…
-Man, we need help - cannibal’s king start begging - You can take from us all that you’ll like, but help us, please !!!
- What’s up ?
- That f**ed dragoun laughing whole day and night, loudly, so we can’t asleep… much whorse than he was weeping… can you do something with it ?
- Okay, i need three million dollars and i’ll fix this problem surely…
Cannibal’s king and shorty flight to kannibal’s village, shorty went into cave and dragon maked surprized scream and started weeping and mumbling again…
- Hey, shorty, how, for God’s sake, you manage to done that ?
- First time i just sayd to dragon that i have much bigger cock than dragon got… and now i just demonstrated mine…
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
that sounds like one of the Murphy’s laws.