I’ve come along to a hotel in Berlin at the request of the owner, a Mr.Hohenzolleran, to see why his “Hotel Reich” is doing so badly. “Willie” has given me 7 days to get this team working as a unit again, and to start making money. Bank creditors give the “The Reich” 12 weeks
The “Reich” is nestled in a very ritzy part of Europe. On arrival, it didn’t look like a hotel at all from the outside, but once you get past the barbed wire and checkpoints by uniformed porters in black and silver, it carresses you into feeling at “Rohm”.
I took a Luftwaffe Lift up to the top floor, and was shown into Mr. Hitler’s sparcely furnished office by his secretary, Martin. Bormann is a shy and unassuming man, who one day dreams of reorganizing Adolf’s office. The pictures on the office wall are of wide-hipped nudes, and manager Adolf comes out, fixing me with a stare, and casually throwing aside a horsehair whip given to him by his “mistress”.
“How are you, Adolf?”[i]
Gut! Thankyou for coming Gordo…I’m at my wits end with these people. My chief cook, Herman, does not want to co-operate with my wishes, and his sou-chef, Ernst, is a brownshirted mess. Ernst and Herman turn up for work in lederhosen, slapping eachother’s thighs, refusing to taste the kosher food that our special cook prepares, and quarreling constantly with my maitre-d, Josef. Josef will make the nights orders and turn them into an exercise in propaganda, and his two waiters, Heinrich and Reyhardt are furtive fellows. They really annoy poor Ernst…"
My attention was wandering…I could see that Adolf was making a speech out of this. When I found out he prefered vegetarian food, it became clear why he was having so many problems with chefs Herman and Ernst…he’d never tasted the food…Adolf continued, making sweeping gestures and turning the whole sequence into a real performance…no fucking wonder he wasn’t managing things well…Ernst was obviously “gay” about his attitude, and Hermann would stare at him with rouged cheeks and dilated pupils…this team needed shaking up…
“I was going to expand the Lebensraum Lounge nach osten…we have plans to bring in a new sou-chef, in a takeover bid of the Russian restuarant next door. Fred Barbarossa will be the new man…”
Adolf droned on…he was losing my attention as well…so…I left The three of them in the Eva Braun Redevelopment Room and made my way downstairs to the Hess Halle, where brownshirted waiters definately had ways of making sure I would enjoy my visit…
“I would like to try the food”, I said to “little Josef” as he limped away to the kitchen…the service was appalling to say the least. A maitre-d more concerned with chasing the waitresses and arguing with the manager of the Hess Halle, the mystical Rudolf.
"Could I have the sucking pig, brown Windsor soup, and the speciality of the house for desert?
So to the food.
I don’t think I’ve tasted food quite like it anywhere. The soup was cold, and the sucking pig…well it bounced when a piece hit the floor. Herman actually hunts this himself, but when Ernst goes through it, he cooks up a “Sturm” of brown mass…and the desert was supposed to be a speciality…fookin’ crazy to have Pavlova as a “speciality” when the Russians are serving it next door. No wonder they are looking forward to “Barbarossa” when he comes. Fred will sort the competition out in a few weeks…they are all so sure of it…
I decide to call the two waiters over…Heinrich and Reynhart. Both dressed in black, unlike the other waiters and footman, no doubt to show their “superiority”. Heinrich consistantly blames the Jewish waiters for everything, and has all but gotten rid of them, to a new hotel to be run by Reynhardt, somewhere near Dachau.
Fuck me…it was the worst food I had ever tasted.
The service was shit…Heinrich peaked over his prinz-nez glasses at me, and took notes, while Reynhardt rushes heer, rushes there. These two are going to have to go.
They quarrel constantly with chef Ernst, who threatens to revolt. One night, so I’m informed by the bushy browed Rudolf, taking a break from doing his horoscope, Reinhardt set the kitchen grill on fire…they blamed a Dutch temp waiter at first, and then focussed on the Jewish section as the cause. A new “Reichstag” type grill it was too…Herman had to pour wine all over it to put it out…Fuck me again…we have a lot of work to do if I’m to make this place last a thousand years.
DAY ONE… to be continued