official joke section

A classic “Sir Humphryism” from [i]Yes, Minister[/], the best (and most accurate) political sitcom ever written.

See also:

Sir Humphrey: The public doesn’t know anything about wasting government money. We are the experts.

(The Economy Drive)

Sir Humphrey: It must be hard for a political adviser to understand this, but I’m merely a civil servant. I simply do as I am instructed by my master.
Hacker: What happens when a minister is a woman, what’ll you call her?
Sir Humphrey: Yes that is rather interesting. We sought an answer to that point when I was Principal Private Secretary and Dr. Edith Summerskill, as she then was, was appointed minister in 1947. I didn’t quite like to refer to her as my mistress.
Jim Hacker: What was the answer?
Sir Humphrey: Oh, we’re still waiting for it.

(Big Brother)

Some things never change:

Hacker: So when this next comes up at Question Time, you want me to tell Parliament that it’s their fault that the Civil Service is too big?
Sir Humphrey: But it is the truth, Minister.
Hacker: I don’t want the truth. I want something I can tell Parliament!

(The Writing On The Wall)

More here http://www.jonathanlynn.com/tv/yes_minister_series/yes_minister_episode_quotes.htm[/u]

Computers vs Cars

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00
cars that got 1,000miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shutoff the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some inexplicable reason you would simply accept this.
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
  6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation” warning light.
  7. The airbag system would ask, “Are you sure?” before deploying.
  8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

Thats pretty good FW190. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Gen’ Sandworm I must congratulate you on your signature.

I think I could quote all of Major Payne by memory…classic movie. Your sig is pretty good too. Funny … just about everyone in that administration talks like a 3rd grader. :lol: :frowning:

OMG Someone stop me. My sides are hurting~!
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Awesome FW-190 Pilot.

In China, cigarettes are a kind of miracle drug

Guiyang, China — Here’s some exciting medical news from the Chinese government: Smoking is great for your health.

Cigarettes, according to China’s tobacco authorities, are an excellent way to prevent ulcers.

They also reduce the risk of Parkinson’s disease, relieve schizophrenia, boost your brain cells, speed up your thinking, improve your reactions and increase your working efficiency.

And all those warnings about lung cancer? Nonsense.

You’re more likely to get cancer from cooking smoke than from your cigarette habit.

Welcome to the bizarre parallel universe of China’s state-owned tobacco monopoly, the world’s most successful cigarette-marketing agency.

With annual sales of 1.8 trillion cigarettes, the Chinese monopoly is responsible for almost one-third of all cigarettes smoked on the planet today.

If you believe the official website of the tobacco monopoly, cigarettes are a kind of miracle drug: solving your health problems, helping your lifestyle, strengthening the equality of women, and even eliminating loneliness and depression.

“Smoking removes your troubles and worries,” says a 37-year-old female magazine editor, quoted approvingly on the website. “Holding a cigarette is like having a walking stick in your hand, giving you support.

“Quitting smoking would bring you misery, shortening your life.”

Such statements are widely believed in China.

Two-thirds of Chinese men are smokers, and surveys show that as many as 90 per cent believe their habit has little effect on their health, or is good for them.

Even in China’s medical community, 60 per cent of male doctors are smokers. Few are aware of the studies forecasting that cigarettes will soon be responsible for one-third of all premature deaths among Chinese men.

Little wonder that Western tobacco companies are hungrily circling the Chinese market, lobbying eagerly for entry into this lucrative market of 360 million smokers, the biggest market in the world.

So far, 99 per cent of the market is controlled by the Chinese monopoly, but Western tobacco companies are convinced they will soon crack it, especially now that China is a member of the World Trade Organization and is obliged to reduce its tariffs on foreign cigarettes.

For the anti-smoking movement, China is the ultimate challenge. Nonetheless, this week, a group of Canadian experts arrived in southwestern China in a bid to convince Chinese smokers that cigarettes might not be quite as beneficial as they believe.

They distributed anti-smoking posters, visited cancer patients, showed the graphic warnings on Canadian cigarette packs, and lectured on how the anti-smoking campaign has reduced Canada’s lung-cancer rate. But they admitted that they face an uphill struggle in a country where the tobacco industry provides 60 million jobs and 10 per cent of national tax revenue.

“The magnitude of the problem is overwhelming,” said Jean Couture, a Quebec surgeon who has been travelling to China since 1990 to work on cancer-education programs.

“In China today, the economy comes first and everything else is secondary, including health care,” Dr. Couture said. “You wonder if anyone in the government is conscious of how great the smoking problem is. There’s no public education program. The Chinese anti-smoking association is very weak and has almost no money. Within 20 years, China could have the majority of all smoking deaths in the world.”

Chinese doctors have called Dr. Couture a “second Norman Bethune” — a reference to the Canadian surgeon who became a Chinese hero after dying while giving care to Chinese Communist soldiers in 1939. The Quebec doctor, who has helped create an 80-bed cancer unit at a hospital in northeastern China, is now leading an anti-smoking campaign in four Chinese provinces.

When the Canadians arrived this week in Guizhou province in southwestern China, they were worried about the power of the local tobacco industry. The province is filled with tobacco farms and cigarette factories. As they distributed posters at a hospital in one of Guizhou’s biggest cities yesterday, the Canadians saw a number of people smoking in the hospital. A hospital shop was openly selling cigarettes.

“The tobacco industry is so huge and the anti-tobacco movement is so weak,” said Mark Rowswell, a Canadian television personality and Chinese celebrity (under the name Da Shan), who helps promote the anti-smoking campaign. “What we’re doing is just a drop in the ocean.”

While smoking rates have fallen sharply in Canada in the past two decades, the rate in China is still rising.

“Ten years ago, when we first came to China, it was unheard of for young women to smoke,” said Nicole Magnan, executive director of the Quebec division of the Canadian Cancer Society, who was in the Canadian delegation this week. “Now there are more and more of them.”

While China has proclaimed that the 2008 Beijing Olympics will be a smoke-free Olympics, it has done little to discourage smoking. The number of Chinese smokers is growing by three million a year, despite an estimated 1.3 million tobacco-related deaths annually.

Chinese cigarettes are cheap — as little as 30 cents a pack — and the health warnings are hidden in small print on the sides of the packages. Though cigarette advertising is technically illegal, tobacco companies are allowed to promote their corporate names. When sprinter Liu Xiang won a gold medal for China at the Athens Olympics last summer, he promptly went out and filmed a television commercial for China’s biggest cigarette company.

Children can easily buy cigarettes at Chinese shops, despite an official ban on sales to those under the age of 18. “Shop owners never refuse to sell us cigarettes,” said one 16-year-old boy who was smoking as he played pool near a Guizhou school this week.

“They only care about money.”

Che Chuangao, a construction worker, started smoking when he was 20. “More than 90 per cent of my friends smoked, so I couldn’t be different,” he said. “And it’s helpful for my work. Offering a cigarette is a social greeting, whenever you meet a friend or a stranger. I know that smoking isn’t good. Once I stopped smoking for a month or two. But my friends persuaded me to smoke again.”

While their task is daunting, the Canadians are scoring some small successes. After listening to a speech by the Canadians this week, 27-year-old medical student Li Dongbo said he was inspired to work on anti-smoking projects.

The student’s uncle, who had smoked for 30 years, died of lung cancer in February. To spare his feelings, his family had never told him the truth about his illness.

“I was shocked,” Mr. Li said. “The government should be doing more. We need promotion campaigns to tell people about it.”

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20050611.wxchina0611/BNStory/International

DON´T MAKE OFFENSIVE COMMENTS,IM NOT GOING TO TOLERATE YOUR FIGHTS AGAIN,AND YOU WILL RECEIVE A WARNING.

Bluffcove I have to congatulate you on your signature! :smiley: very nice

A few Army jokes:

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were
clear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the
windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker
on the windshield.”

The general said, “Drive on!”

The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”

The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on.”

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new
at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”


A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for
the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, “When you see all the
stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?”

The LT replies, “Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the
universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can’t help but wonder
if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do
you think of, Sergeant?”

“I think somebody stole the damn tent.”


Never mess with a Ranger…

A battalion of marines was on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone army ranger standing at attention at the top of a hill.
The CO was curious so he sent a marine up to see what was going on.
As the marine approached the ranger sprinted into the woods, and the marine followed.
Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the Ranger stepped out and stood back at attention.
The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate.
The ranger ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again.
Now the CO was angry so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods.
He emerged moments later after sime more yelling and screaming with no sign of the marines anywhere.
The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of marines charging up the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire.
Finally a terribly wounded marine crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO.
The CO inquired “Do you mean to tell me that one army ranger destroyed an entire battalion of marines”
The marine replied “no sir, it was a trick, there were two of them”


I think that FW-190 Pilot’s signature is pretty impressive

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: .

bluffcove,i like so much your signature,the first non stupid sign you have! :smiley:

LOL thats funny! :smiley: :smiley:

What goes “Squeak squeak bang?”
Dynamice

Thankyou ladies and gentlemen you’ve been a wonderful audience, Ive been bluffcove, Travel Safely and goodnight!

lol, what was with the little Elvisish out thing?

I hope that wasnt meant to be funny :smiley: :wink:

What goes ha ha, Bonk?
A man laughing his head off!

Oh they just keep rolling - Jokes that is, not heads!

ANSWERS TO OFFICIAL IRISH SEX QUIZ

1.A Clitoris is a type of flower

2.A Pubic hare is a wild rabbit

3.A Vulva is a Swedish car

4.Spread eagle is an extinct bird

5.A Fallopian tube is part of a TV

6.It is dangerous to have a wet dream in an electric blanket

7.Vagina is a medical term for heart trouble

8.Fellatio is an Italian dagger

9.A menstrual cycle has three wheels

10.A G string is part of a violin

11.Anus is the Latin word for yearly

12.Semen is another word for sailors

13.Testicles are found on an octopus

14.Cunnilingus is a person who speaks 4 languages

15.Asphalt describes rectal trouble

16.Kotex is a radio station in Texas

17.Masturbate is used to catch big fish

18.Coitus is a musical instrument

19.Foetus is a character in Gunsmoke

20.An umbilical cord is part of a parachute

21.A condom is an apartment building

22.When you miss a period you can use a semi-colon[/img]